Taking The Streets In The Ubiquitous Jumpsuit…
Ahhh, the jumpsuit! Not quite a pair of pants, not quite a shirt. Convenient and cute. One has to be careful with vintage jumpsuits, though. Two words: camel toe. Ouch! Not a good look for the fashionistas, right? We don’t have the feathered hair and perky bra-less tits to take our attention away from the cavernous split in our crotch. Gawd knows why we put up with it years ago. Doctors must have had the market cornered on yeast infections! Let’s not forget about the lack of “breathable” natural fiber underwear available during the jumpsuit heyday. What we put up with for fashion! And don’t get me started on men’s ultra tight high-waisted denim that forced them to do “the side penis part”. Look at Gregg Rolie on Journey’s Infinity album, and you’ll see what I mean. But, I digress.
Remember the denim jumpsuit made famous by J.Lo in the late 90s? It was stylish, unique, and had that vintage flair. I was smitten. It had my name written all over it. If my ass could look as good as J.Lo’s, then I was all in.
Excited for a test drive, I sauntered into a local boutique to try on the “sleeveless” variety. Thinking that camel toe was a thing of the past, I eagerly thrust my torso and arms into the right holes. I stood up straight, and KABLAM! Camel toe! The Moses of all jumpsuits had parted my red sea (yes, I am a true redhead)! Ugh! My lips be damned to purgatory if I didn’t get this thing off me! I couldn’t reach the armholes because it was too tight, and I had no “sleeve” fabric to pull on. I panicked. I tried to use the force of gravity to shimmy out of it. I jumped up and down and shook my body like I was the queen of the Harlem shake.
I ripped the garment from crotch to crack. Shit! What do I do? The score: jumpsuit….one….me….zero. I tried to get the hook in the dressing room to latch on to the back neckline. I figured the geometric shape and the force of my pull would bring it right down. Rip! Another point for the jumpsuit. Feeling defeated, I poked my flushed face out of the dressing room, and I’ll be goddamned if the saleswoman didn’t say, “Are you stuck?” Suh-weet mother of Gawd, this has happened to someone else. WTF? Why didn’t she warn me?
Needless to say, I went home sans J.Lo’s jumpsuit. I had lost two pounds and my dignity. Who loses to a fucking jumpsuit?
On me: Risaroxx Vintage jumpsuit; sneakers: Adidas; Risaroxx Vintage Mary Frances cassette purse.